On any given night you’ll see me

at the 24 hours fitness in Downtown Berkeley.

Running on a treadmill like a sweaty hamster

Eating Protein bars and doing crunches

But I’m not running towards a dream of washboard abs

I’m  running from death.

Cus, It seems like the older I get,

the more people die.

Famous People

People I went to High School with

People I knew and admired

People I like

People I don’t like (which is really awkward)

People I saw Yesterday

DEEEEEEEAAAAATTTTTHHHH

I should be used to this

My youngest brother died of cancer when I was 12

I was the one who walked into the hospital waiting room

and told my aunts, grammas, and neighbors,

that the only kid on the continent who liked me was dead.

I drank beer for the first time on the day Kurt Cobain killed Himself

I had two friends in the 8th grade, and now one of them is dying of Lou Gherigs disease

all I can think is, “What did they call it when Lou Gherig got it?”.

Death shouldn’t phase me.

But last year I looked down 6 foot hole in the ground

and saw a box with my dead friend inside

My kid’s mom almost died from blood clots, again

When Michael Jackson died I was bummed out for months.

Mortality still overwhelms me

It seems like the older I get,

the more real death becomes.

It is a tangible thing.

People die of lung cancer in their thirties.

Some famous people don’t even make it to thirty.

Aneurysms can happen at ANYTIME.

When people go to weddings, they imagine their own

I’m like that with funerals.

I don’t fear “you have 3 months to live” death

I fear hit by a car death, shot in the face death

no time to plan death

my funeral will be bullshit

The one event completely centered around me

and I’ll have nothing to do with it

worse yet, no one will be there

except my mom.

worse yet,  my mom will be in charge,

oh god I can see it now, nothing but bad poetry and Beatles songs

I’m not afraid to die,

I just want a few days notice.

just enough time to participate in the planning

Make a list of speakers, performers, special effects, song selections

my dying words will be “fog machine”

Every day the world that was in front of me, is getting closer

So now I eat salad, drink red wine, to reduce risk of heart disease

I’m quitting smoking…soon

It’s like Death is chasing me and I’m throwing banana peels over my shoulder,

hoping he slips.

Anything I can do to buy an extra day.

Enough time to do something important enough that my absence will matter.

I’m gonna be nice to EVERYBODY.

“Oh my god, awesome to see you! How are you? Please miss me when I’m dead”

Steve Job’s commissioned his own Biography so his kids would know who he was.

But if I died tomorrow all my daughter would have is a body of work that closley resembles her relationship with me…unfinished

I don’t fear death, I fear dying today

Before I’m a good dad,  and have had the proper time to explain to her wealth inequity,

how our electoral system is flawed and why Gonzo is the best Muppet.

Before I’ve written the great American Musical.

Before the next Star Trek movie comes out .

Before I’ve done something that will outlive me

And after 5 miles of fake running, I collapse in a sweaty heap in the locker room

surrounded by a cloud of body odor and naked man ass.

Happy to have completed another leg of my own death race

because as long as I’m still breathing, I’m still winning.