On any given night you’ll see me

at the 24 hours fitness in Downtown Berkeley.

Running on a treadmill like a sweaty hamster

Eating Protein bars and doing crunches

But I’m not running towards a dream of washboard abs

I’m  running from death.

Cus, It seems like the older I get,

the more people die.

Famous People

People I went to High School with

People I knew and admired

People I like

People I don’t like (which is really awkward)

People I saw Yesterday

DEEEEEEEAAAAATTTTTHHHH

I should be used to this

My youngest brother died of cancer when I was 12

I was the one who walked into the hospital waiting room

and told my aunts, grammas, and neighbors,

that the only kid on the continent who liked me was dead.

I drank beer for the first time on the day Kurt Cobain killed Himself

I had two friends in the 8th grade, and now one of them is dying of Lou Gherigs disease

all I can think is, “What did they call it when Lou Gherig got it?”.

Death shouldn’t phase me.

But last year I looked down 6 foot hole in the ground

and saw a box with my dead friend inside

My kid’s mom almost died from blood clots, again

When Michael Jackson died I was bummed out for months.

Mortality still overwhelms me

It seems like the older I get,

the more real death becomes.

It is a tangible thing.

People die of lung cancer in their thirties.

Some famous people don’t even make it to thirty.

Aneurysms can happen at ANYTIME.

When people go to weddings, they imagine their own

I’m like that with funerals.

I don’t fear “you have 3 months to live” death

I fear hit by a car death, shot in the face death

no time to plan death

my funeral will be bullshit

The one event completely centered around me

and I’ll have nothing to do with it

worse yet, no one will be there

except my mom.

worse yet,  my mom will be in charge,

oh god I can see it now, nothing but bad poetry and Beatles songs

I’m not afraid to die,

I just want a few days notice.

just enough time to participate in the planning

Make a list of speakers, performers, special effects, song selections

my dying words will be “fog machine”

Every day the world that was in front of me, is getting closer

So now I eat salad, drink red wine, to reduce risk of heart disease

I’m quitting smoking…soon

It’s like Death is chasing me and I’m throwing banana peels over my shoulder,

hoping he slips.

Anything I can do to buy an extra day.

Enough time to do something important enough that my absence will matter.

I’m gonna be nice to EVERYBODY.

“Oh my god, awesome to see you! How are you? Please miss me when I’m dead”

Steve Job’s commissioned his own Biography so his kids would know who he was.

But if I died tomorrow all my daughter would have is a body of work that closley resembles her relationship with me…unfinished

I don’t fear death, I fear dying today

Before I’m a good dad,  and have had the proper time to explain to her wealth inequity,

how our electoral system is flawed and why Gonzo is the best Muppet.

Before I’ve written the great American Musical.

Before the next Star Trek movie comes out .

Before I’ve done something that will outlive me

And after 5 miles of fake running, I collapse in a sweaty heap in the locker room

surrounded by a cloud of body odor and naked man ass.

Happy to have completed another leg of my own death race

because as long as I’m still breathing, I’m still winning.

President Obama

Two years later.

Everybody’s already mad at you

They’re mad that you didn’t do what you said would

mad you did what you said you would

Some people are mad about things you never said you’d do

We just liked you so much

We figured you liked everything we liked

Even if you didn’t say you did

And I like you

So Take a tip from your predecessor

When you find yourself having to solve a whole mess of problems

Don’t solve, distract

While we worried about losing our civil liberties

He lowered  taxes

While we worried about global warming

He promised a moon base

While we worried about being attacked by terrorists from Afghanistan

He invaded Iraq

Now since we seem to be worried about…everything

We gotta think big

So here it is, ready?

Flying Cars

Think about it , Awesome right?

 

You wanna talk about improving our world image ?

When you enter U.N. meetings

Other nations will have no choice

But to look upon you in shock and awe

As you strut by Iran

Ahmadinejad will lean over to the ayatollah and say

“there he goes, dudes got a flying limo

But in Farcee

 

You want to be leader in the auto industry again?

Let’s ship a fleet of those bad boys to Japan

Driven by some of the most road ragin’ sons of bitches ever screaming

“I will fly over your meager Asian traffic

For I am an Obnoxious American with a flying car!”

You better pull me over for drunk flying

Cause I’m drunk on Freedom!

 

You want Green solutions to our problems?

Just tell people flying cars only run on bio fuel

Weird right?

If flying cars only ran on fuel made from corn

Iowa would become Saudi Arabia

 

Don’t ask don’t tell?

Don’t worry

Israel and Palestine

Will have to chill the eff out

The problems of the present

cannot interfere with the badssedness of the future

This is Americas promise

And who cares if it isn’t?

Americans like having something to brag about

Americas flying car

will become the worlds flying car

There will be no wings or propellers

Fuck that

I’m talking star wars shit

They’ll hover and have rockets

A flying  car named hope

And it’ll be friggin fast

 

President Obama

It’s been two long years

and you are still my motherfucker

But facts are facts

You could introduce a bill to congress

That gave every American citizen a free flag

And Republicans would vote no

Calling it job killing socialism

You could catch Osama Bin Laden

Challenge him to a kickboxing match

and  kill him with your bare hands

And Sarah Palin would still call you weak on terrorism

You could pray every day

And Glen Beck will still suck at life

But they all will get in line to buy a flying car

My god it’ll be beautiful

Now go into the White house video library,

Pop on a copy of Back to the Future 2 and take some notes

Because when you say progress

I think roads…where were going we don’t need roads.